I'm as restless as a willow in a windstorm
I'm as jumpy as a puppet on a string
I'd say that I had Spring fever
But I know it isn't Spring
I am starry-eyed and vaguely discontented
Like a nightingale without a song to sing
Oh, why should I have Spring fever
When it isn't even Spring?
I keep wishing I were somewhere else
Walking down a strange new street
Hearing words that I have never heard
From a man I've yet to meet
I'm as busy as a spider spinning daydreams
I'm as giddy as a baby on a swing
I haven't seen a crocus or a rosebud or a robin on the wing
But I feel so gay in a melancholy way
That it might as well be Spring
Do you ever catch yourself thinking, just where did that day go? Or maybe tried to figure out how the time zoomed past so quickly?
Or perhaps you just wonder how it escaped you that May is over and June has begun...
It seems like the more I try to capture each moment, the more they slip away from me. Time crawls. And disappears.
I seem to be soul searching more and more these days. And the more I learn, the more I examine my heart. The more I fail, the more I seek answers.
Have you ever been surrounded by laughing friends and felt alone?
Have you ever been touched by a sunset and felt like crying?
Have you ever stared into the eyes of someone you loved and know they didn't love you back?
Have you ever woken to singing birds and known that the only option was to pretend to smile?
Have you ever been trapped in your own disgust?
Have you ever thought there was no way out?
I learned something this week.
I learned that I hate myself.
Every part of me.
I know the ugliness of my own heart. I know the jagged edges and bitter tastes. I know the anger and jealousy. I know the blackness deep in my soul.
I admit them. I am human. Bare. Brittle. Bound to failure. {Romans 11:32}
Raw emotion cannot be erased. Shattered hearts cannot be remade.
I also realized that I expect myself to be perfect. I hold myself to a standard so high, the bar cannot be seen.... And it rips me apart, because I always fail and will always fail.
So I made a few decisions.
First of all, I am going to stop hating myself.
God made me just the way I am. He likes me. He LOVES me. He wants me to be this way. I cannot be perfect and I should not expect perfection. I have been washed in the blood of Christ and before God I am a pure lamb. I am free of guilt and shame and mistakes.
I am going to appreciate the things He has made. And I am one of them.
Second, I am going to live like no one is watching. How many times have I admitted to you that I am a people pleaser?
I think I have finally snapped the chord. God and God alone matters now. I am exhausted. I am broken. And it is all my own fault. I try so hard to please people I don't even need to. I do things I don't like just to make them happy. I pretend to not care when I care very much.
This time, it is not something that I have decided. God actually showed me how ridiculous I was. He showed me all the things I was doing to get other people's attention. He showed me how silly I was. If someone wants to be with me...they will be. They will choose me. It is not hard for me to give love back to someone. If they try...I WILL love them back. It is my nature. But from now on, I am not going to chase empty smiles. I know who loves me and who does not by what they say and do. It is no mystery. And I know that the friends that really love me are going to be my real friends and I am going to stop chasing fruitless friendships. I am going to do what I love. I am going to do what God asks of me and stop ignoring the small voice whispering in my thoughts for the desires of my own heart.
It is time.
Time to be a voice, not an echo.
Sometimes, you can't explain some love. Sometimes, it goes deeper than your head. It springs from your heart.
I am going to give this love to God. Let Him control it. Let Him move it. Let Him guide it.
And wait for Him to lead down the path it takes.
I hadn't intended to baer my heart tonight. It just sort of happened. I guess I am learning to stop hiding. I hid for years, in fear. And I am beginning to learn that some things are meant to be shared. So that we can learn from each other. We have to be vulnerable to rejection to be open to acceptance.
Yes, it is May 3rd. Yes, all week it was above 80 degrees. Yes, I am quite tan already.
Yes, today it snowed.
Needless to say, it was a strange day. Choir and orchestra was even stranger, because we had a totally different group in the building with us too and we couldn't be in our normal places. After choir, I ended up in a small room in the back of the building with a few of my closest friends and we sang hymns for almost an hour and hung out for even longer. It was fantastic.
I don't regret that part of the snow. In fact, I rather relished it.
Though, of course, today was the day that I remembered the net, both volleyballs, and the pump. {Funny story there...twice we have forgotten balls and had to buy them and then once we had a ball and then...it popped...}
Anyway, here are two video's you must watch for laughs. They are the best. I showed one to my friends today and the other a friend of mine showed me.
{My song}
{Friend's song}
Enjoy. I did. Hehehehehe..... ;)
♩♪"And I can't remember number 11..." ♫♬
We have had the most glorious wheather today and it is promising to be better tomorrow... Warm breezes, singing birds, sunshine filtering down out of spotless blue skies!
It has been breathtaking.
And so wonderful after the snow.
I ran two hard miles today. It feels like it has been so long since I did, though really it has only been a couple weeks. Running is so much fun. All four of my dogs {not Pickle} come with me. They run alongside me and I feel really special. ;)
*this big*
I am so happy to be alive today. I just feel like I could dance and sing all day long.
Tomorrow is my last soccer game. I have had so much fun playing this season. I am really praying we will win this last game. That would be so cool!!! I am kinda hoping we will have a celebration of sorts commemorating the end of the season. If we do, I want to take pics and put them up here. :D
{I have the best family ever, just saying. This was totally impromptu.}
After Daddy got home we went and rolled two bales into our trailer for the cattle. They weight about 2 tons each and there are only 4 of us to push 'em up into the trailer. Plus, Daddy has a sprained wrist, so us three girls really had to do most of the shoving. It was fun. :D
I like work.
Also, I finished 20 pages of my book last night. I stayed up till 2 because I set a goal at 11:00 and I wasn't going to bed till I finished it. I did!!!! Eeek! Only 30 pages left now. I can't believe it...
I want to add a note. I don't talk about God on here because of a sense of obligation. I don't talk about Him because He is something I've grown up comfortable around and just feel like I should talk about.
I talk about Him because He is my life. He is my everything, my hope, my redeemer, my love. I am so blessed to be called His child. He has done so much for me. Who would I be if I did not tell of His wonderful love to me!!!!
So I am always rambling on about how much I love music. And
yet I have never shared with you what kind of music I like. What songs touch me
deep down. Why they speak to me in soft whispers.
My sister Brisa says I like “sad” songs. I preferred to
always call them peaceful.
Friday my friend Jonnah accidentally pegged a better word
for it: mellow. ;) Thanks Jonni!
So here is a list of my favorite songs, mellow, one and all.
~_*
Don’t Give Up {You Are Loved} ~ Josh Groban
Instrument of Peace ~ Canadian Tenors
Dark Waltz ~ Hayley Westenra
{I have no idea if this video is good...I just know the song is. :D}
When You Believe ~ Prince of Egypt Soundtrack
The Awakening ~ Sing His Praises Choir {I’m singing in it!!!}
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