Do you ever catch yourself thinking, just where did that day go? Or maybe tried to figure out how the time zoomed past so quickly?
Or perhaps you just wonder how it escaped you that May is over and June has begun...
It seems like the more I try to capture each moment, the more they slip away from me. Time crawls. And disappears.
I seem to be soul searching more and more these days. And the more I learn, the more I examine my heart. The more I fail, the more I seek answers.
Have you ever been surrounded by laughing friends and felt alone?
Have you ever been touched by a sunset and felt like crying?
Have you ever stared into the eyes of someone you loved and know they didn't love you back?
Have you ever woken to singing birds and known that the only option was to pretend to smile?
Have you ever been trapped in your own disgust?
Have you ever thought there was no way out?
I learned something this week.
I learned that I hate myself.
Every part of me.
I know the ugliness of my own heart. I know the jagged edges and bitter tastes. I know the anger and jealousy. I know the blackness deep in my soul.
I admit them. I am human. Bare. Brittle. Bound to failure. {Romans 11:32}
Raw emotion cannot be erased. Shattered hearts cannot be remade.
I also realized that I expect myself to be perfect. I hold myself to a standard so high, the bar cannot be seen.... And it rips me apart, because I always fail and will always fail.
So I made a few decisions.
God made me just the way I am. He likes me. He LOVES me. He wants me to be this way. I cannot be perfect and I should not expect perfection. I have been washed in the blood of Christ and before God I am a pure lamb. I am free of guilt and shame and mistakes.
I am going to appreciate the things He has made. And I am one of them.
Second, I am going to live like no one is watching. How many times have I admitted to you that I am a people pleaser?
I think I have finally snapped the chord. God and God alone matters now. I am exhausted. I am broken. And it is all my own fault. I try so hard to please people I don't even need to. I do things I don't like just to make them happy. I pretend to not care when I care very much.
This time, it is not something that I have decided. God actually showed me how ridiculous I was. He showed me all the things I was doing to get other people's attention. He showed me how silly I was. If someone wants to be with me...they will be. They will choose me. It is not hard for me to give love back to someone. If they try...I WILL love them back. It is my nature. But from now on, I am not going to chase empty smiles. I know who loves me and who does not by what they say and do. It is no mystery. And I know that the friends that really love me are going to be my real friends and I am going to stop chasing fruitless friendships. I am going to do what I love. I am going to do what God asks of me and stop ignoring the small voice whispering in my thoughts for the desires of my own heart.
It is time.
Time to be a voice, not an echo.
Sometimes, you can't explain some love. Sometimes, it goes deeper than your head. It springs from your heart.
I am going to give this love to God. Let Him control it. Let Him move it. Let Him guide it.
And wait for Him to lead down the path it takes.
I hadn't intended to baer my heart tonight. It just sort of happened. I guess I am learning to stop hiding. I hid for years, in fear. And I am beginning to learn that some things are meant to be shared. So that we can learn from each other. We have to be vulnerable to rejection to be open to acceptance.
This has my song the last few weeks:
