I Want...

 

It takes only a second for me to laugh at myself.

All these promises. So many hopes and dreams. Hmmm...

Right...

I've discovered I'm mortal. No matter how much I try, things don't always end up the way I want them to. But I've discovered something else.

That's ok!

I was thinking the other day about how many things I long to do with myself. I wish I could go see the world. I want to be a deep sea diver. I want to explore the Himalayas. I want to see all the old places, the new places, every place.  I want to draw. I want to make a difference. I want to study ancient cultures, understand who they were and what they did and WHY? I want to marry. I want to be a treasure hunter. I want to change the world. I want to serve my Lord Jesus Christ with all my heart and soul and strength and mind. I want to see Northern Lights. I want to raise children. I want to write. I want to run a marathon. I want to sing. I want to marry the president. I want to take a safari in Africa. I want to see the old Incan and Mayan temples in South and Central America. I want to be an archeologist. I want to be a teacher. I want to help people in need.........

Ok, I think you are beginning to get the picture.

But I only have one life.

And it is dedicated to God.

Mommy says I'm an over achiever. Daddy says I have passion. I guess I'm just ambitious. And a dreamer. But all I know is I want something, something more, something great, from this life.

And I haven't found it yet.

But I know I will.

In other news, I was presented the Liebster Award a while back, never got around to it, so I'll finish it now!

There's lots of fancy rules, but most of these awards are pretty repetitive and long-winded {plus, I certainly gave 11 random facts about me up there^^}. So I'm just going to answer the questions my friend Cat from The World Crafter gave me.

1) What fandom do you "belong" to?

Yeesh! Right off the bat!?

Well, you probably won't like this.

I don't "fangirl".

NOT because I don't appreciate great films, superb acting, or handsome/beautiful faces.

I don't fangirl because I feel there is a principal missing there. Just think for a second. What is all this raving about? The screaming, passion, ogling? It's almost like a sort of worship.

Ok, perhaps that's a bit strong. But you can probably get my drift. Fangirling is a way for girls to "innocently" fill their minds with "hot" men and other realities. They can waste spend their time devouring their dreams of meeting so-and-so or seeing such-and-such episode. Life is meant for so much more!

There is only one man I will ever "fangirl" about.

And that's Jesus.

He's the only one worth all that fuss. He's the only one who deserves my praise. He's the only one I want to waste my time on. And I honestly don't think He'd want me screaming myself hoarse over Him the way most fangirls do about their crushes and programs anyway. That mental picture is just a wee bit disturbing.

I'm not saying all those programs and such are not worth watching or evil {though some of them may be, just being honest}. Your conscience can make that call. But you won't ever catch me "fangirling" over them. They are, after all, just SHOWS. A really great screenwriter's manipulation of human emotion plopped into a creative storyline designed just to suck the life out of teenage girls.

 

Ok, that was dramatic. Haha! ;)

Don't kill me, eh?

2) Would you fight to the death someone who bashes one of you favorite characters?

Most likely not. They are entitled to their opinion just as I am to mine. Of course, if they are bashing character and integrity, I would stand up for it. But a fight to the death? Did you see my list of life goals up there. I can't die yet! Hehe....

3) Would you use daggers for subtlety or swords for an all-out "COME AT ME BRO!" battle?

Actually, I would be most likely to do both. Start with that big sword, catch them off guard, and finish it with a dagger. I've read too many Henty books. Plus, I have always been pretty deceitful. It's the one thing I despise about my own character. Yikes. I just owned that?!

4) What do you do when someone tells you that you have pepper in your teeth?

L.O.L. and then go and get it out. :D

5) To you, what's more awesome....climbing trees or writing stories?

MORE awesome? If there had to be a decision, I would say writing. But I LOVE to climb trees, so.....

6) Have you ever secretly wished you were a unicorn?

 

 

No.

 

;)

 

 

7) When you drink tea, do you prefer a mug or a bone china cup?

 

 

Ooooh! I love both! Sometimes, like when it's raining, just a mug and a good book or friend is great. But I love taking out my real china set and making a cup of tea and sipping it and watching the sun go down. {When I never have time.}

 

 

8) What's your opinion on Alka-Seltzer?

 

 

I've never had to use it. :P

 

 

9) If you are an Agents of SHIELD fan, or a Marvel fan, or just a superhero fan, which agent/superhero do you think you'd be?

 

 

Well, as aforementioned, I'm not a "fan", per sey, but I do enjoy Marvel very much! Which one do I think I'd be? Good question. I'd love to say I'm like Captain America. But I'm probably much more like Bruce Banner - awkward. And in the way. And out of place. Except, without the temper tantrums. lol

 

 

10) Do you have a lucky number?

 

 

Haha!! Ok, this is silly. I actually do! And it's 13.

 

 

11) WHY do you have a lucky number?!

 

 

:D My logic is this. Whenever anyone asks you to pick a number between 1 and 20, they always select 13 in their head. Because it's "supposed" to be unlucky, right? So who would pick it? But because they "think" no one would pick it, I pick it. And it's usually right. Kinda uncanny, right?!

 

 

So there is that. Thanks Cat!!

 

 

If anyone else wants to answer her questions as mine, go ahead! Consider yourselves nominated. ;)

 

 



The Depth

Going back through my archives, it's been interesting to see the different way's I've tried blogging.

There have been random days. Cliché days. Weird days. Story days. And God days.

After each of them, I have discovered my heart has a different reaction.

Actually, I don't know if I want to use that term. "My heart". It is so hollywoodized... It means so many different things. What I am trying to say is not the feel-good-sensory inside of me. It's not the thing that loves or hates. It's the part of me that feels conviction, rejoices, weeps, and forms opinions. That could be my soul. Or my mind too. There is no way to say exactly what it is.

I'm going to call it my Guard.

After posting something at random, I feel stressed. Did people like it? Was it stupid? Purposeless?

Ok, strike questions 2 and 3...

When I post cliché or weird, I am nervous. WHY did I do that? Everybody does that! Who's going to care about this? I just humiliated myself.

Story days tend to bore me. My own writing. My own tales... I'm creative. But unoriginal. Is that possible? I can tell a story. But not in a way to make people laugh. Not with the spark of life necessary to build a punch line.

The only time I can think of my Guard feeling satisfied when I click that "publish" button is God days. When I share what is going on inside me. What is building my faith and teaching me life lessons.

I've been re-surrendering things to God this week. Over the past month, I'd been trying to run things. "Trying" is the right expression. Talk about out of control! It was time to start afresh.

So I gave it all up again.

Funny how we have to do this over and over and over...

"For God has consigned all to disobedience, that he may have mercy on all."

Romans 11:32

Over and over and over again I struggle with my sin. With how I can't beat it. Can't make it go away for good.

And believe it or not, my comfort is in the fact that I can't! Because that sin, those trials, suffering, all of it, forces me on my knees. Makes me go to Him. Pour out my cares.

There is a very old song, one that my mum would sing to me when I was no more the 2 or 3. Cast All Your Cares on Him. I love this song. I still sing it all the time, to remind me that when things are too much, He is there and He wants me to dump them at His feet!

It feels good to get on the right page again. Even if it's stained. I know I'm going to fall again. But that's not depressing. Because I know new lessons are between me and that new page. New opportunities and experiences and blessings and lessons.

I guess I'm not saying I'm only going to post God things. I would love to do that. But I relish the life He gave me too. Instead, I just want to bring Him glory, instead of try to bring the attention to me. Or a worldly pursuit.

"Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and how inscrutable His ways.

'For who has known the mind of the Lord, 

or who has been his counselor?'

'Or who has given a gift to him 

that He might be repaid?'

For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be glory forever. Amen."

 

 

night lines

Heart strings tugging. Devouring. Pleading.

My head says wait, stop. Take your time.


I am impulsive. I jump into things before I think about them, most of the time. Friendships have been made that had to be broken. Choices have come back to smack me in the face.

Most of the time, I love my impulsiveness. The ability to just ... do. I am such an extrovert. And in a world that is turning introvert - and proud of it - I am beginning to be part of a rarer and rarer breed. I do not fear people. I do not fear what they think of me. I mean, I care. I've gone over that before. But the reflection of that caring came out in my actions, not my personality. While I would seek to do what I thought they wanted, I was still as driven by my hyperactive energy and craziness to stand out.

I feel like an open book. People look at me, and I know they understand what I am thinking. It is unsettling. Nerve-wracking most of the time. I think that is what makes me want to do the unexpected. To catch them off guard.

That impulsive decision to just do...it gets me in messes. I have to clean up life a lot. I say things on impulse that later I realize...I didn't even mean...at least, not in that way.

And there are days when I respond to that inner urging...and I know it was God. He directed that pathway.

Today, I had an urging to share a bit of my heart with a friend. And I do not regret it. It was a God moment.

Now, it's almost midnight. I am sitting here, reflecting my day. Each decision. The reason behind it....wondering. Why? Why did I make that choice or that decision. What will come of this....

This is the time I think. My night lines, I call it. When I drag every tiny detail of my day to mind and ponder...ponder...ponder...........

When I Stare at the Sky

Once upon a time, I looked at the world with rose colored glasses. Everything was beautiful.

 

And then one day, someone took them off.

 

I saw ugliness. Cruelty. Pain.

 

I understood despair.

 

Do you ever just sit and imagine perfection of life? That feeling of security. Dependence. Peace. A wash of ultimate harmony. Beauty. All of it. Real.



When I was a child, I lived in this place. This perfection. I found everything simple. Glorious. It's not that I was ignorant. Or unaware. I chose to see a side of life that was far from the destruction of sin.

 

I'm not sure if that was necessarily a good or bad thing. I did not see the flaws in other people. I did not judge. But I did not see the heart of wickedness. The destruction of friendship through disloyalty and jealousy. I expected people to be good. And we are not.

That moment, when my eyes were opened to the real world, I was grieved. Deep down in my soul. Pain welled up. Overpowered. Tore me to pieces. I couldn't believe it. My perfect world. Nothing but a mist of shadows, a vapor of dreams...

 

I wept. For the world that was not. The world I saw could be. And watched disappear.

 

I asked my Daddy why, why God did not just sweep us up right off to Heaven. Why leave us here to suffer? When He is all knowing, why make us wade through this giant mess we call life?

 

My Dad sat me down on the couch. He looked me straight in the eye. And said, "If we do not understand sin, we cannot understand forgiveness. If we do not understand hate, the power of love is lost."

"For God has bound all men over to disobedience, that He may have mercy on them all." Romans 11:32. 

Once upon a time, there was perfection. In the garden of Eden. But God gave man a choice. He allowed corruption to infiltrate the world. So that He can show us His infinite grace...mercy...forgiveness....love.

 

There will always be the pain of failure. We will always mess up. We have been bound to it.

 

So that God can have mercy on us.

 

But it doesn't end there. If you accept that mercy. Plead for that forgiveness. Welcome that love...you will die to this corrupt flesh and rise again a new being in Christ! You will find eternity in perfection, in Heaven, the home of God's creation.

And it will be perfect.



Sometimes I still stare at the sky. I still wish things were perfect. That I wouldn't have to wonder. Feel this pain. Confusion. Humiliation. Sorrow.

But I know they are teaching me. Defining me. Refining me. For His power. And one day, perfection will come.



The long days stay with you...

One thing I remember about my childhood.

Those days I spent lingering at a window, waiting for people to arrive at my house, waiting for the sun to go down, waiting for my Daddy to get home....those times are some of the most imprinted in my mind.

Not because of the excitement for the upcoming fun.

Not because I was bored and anxious.

Not because there was nothing else to do {or that neither of the above weren't true...}.

I remember them because they were long. And my mind wandered. Through passages of thought. Through past actions. Through future dreams....

Sometimes, the waiting is the best part of life.

Right now, I am waiting. For a lot of things.

My business is on the verge of really starting to get out of the red and into the black. {Oh, that moment shall be dear!}

I will be started several new jobs in the upcoming month.

My future plans for a family are definitely on the waiting list...

My books just seem to need more and more and more and more work the longer I edit them.

There just seem to be PLANS for waiting everywhere in my life.

And I'm ok with that. Because I remember back to sitting in those window sills. Listening to my own thoughts revolve in my mind. I learned so much in those times of waiting. Depending on God. Searching my heart.



God has some pretty amazing ways of teaching us. And waiting is one of them.

I just want to encourage you today, if you are waiting on Him to act in your life, to complete a promise, fulfill a purpose, to just keep trusting and leaning on Him. In His own PERFECT timing, everything will fall into place. Then you can look back and see how all along, He was right there, planning every little step.

I like that.

A lot.



 

 

*THIS* is perfect:

 

 

 

It is the 4th

We stand not only on a foundation of principles, but on a foundation of faith. Those who would try to extract one from the other will find that it will crumble. You cannot maintain honor, loyalty, and liberty without the ultimate authority of God. Men who attempt to will only corrupt and destroy them because there is no groundwork to stand upon, no absolute to determine what they are...and they will twist them and distort them to their own purposes. Faith and love. These are the path to a nation of true independence.

Those who will not be governed by God, will be ruled by tyrants. ~ William Penn

It is impossible to rightly govern the world without God and the Bible. ~ George Washington

 

 

When you feel like giving up...

Sometimes it's felt like this.

No, I'm not about to get all sappy on you. I did that already this month. {Was it really June? Feels like it was longer than that. Can you believe how the time flies! :P That post is embarrassing... sorry.}

Today I'm talking about my book {again. imagine that, with my current status on it and all. lol. don't you wish I'd open up Stories in the Mind again. ~_*}

I began this book when I was 13 {barely. literally had my birthday days before the idea popped into my head. but I won't cheat and say any differently}. It was practically a plagiarized, feminized Beric the Briton {G.A. Henty ~ STILL love that book and would recommend it to anyone}.

The idea popped into my head that though there were TONS of adventure books out there written for guys, there were very few targeted at girls.

Well, I have since had my eyes opened. My literature selection at 13 was pretty narrow. We had no access to the library and I had no friends. At all. You know, the ones you beg borrow books off of. And my parents were pretty strict about what kind of books found there way into the house {we bought anything that came in...so if we didn't want to own it...I didn't get to read it...}.

Still, erroneous or not, the idea was birthed and my serious journey began. {I'll be honest. this wasn't my first attempt at writing. I'd been writing for years...just not on this level.}

I remember lying on my belly on the living room floor, stacks of notebook paper sorted and piled around me, scribbling ideas for this book and that book, titles, ideas, and all...

As I said, this wasn't my first project. I was 150 pages into a novel about a girl on the Oregon trail... Not exactly sure where this idea began or what my intent with it was... I might not ever figure that one out. {It's pretty humorous to read, though!}

But this was different. This time, I began a journey that has taken six years to complete.

Yes. Six. :P

I think I wrote about 80 pages in the first two days. For a 13-year-old, that was pretty impressive. Three weeks in, I got the brilliant idea to combine another book idea I had with it to have two main characters.

Three years later I had a novel pushing 700,000 words and 700 pages. And finished{ish...}.

I printed it. {It weighted about three pounds and had to fit into two large ring binder folders.}

And gave it to my Mum and Dad to read.

Six months later they finished it...

All in all...I decided to start rewriting.

Again. And again. And again.

There were times when I pushed it away and didn't look at it for months.

Once I had an {apparently} brilliant idea that I half started {but didn't write down} and then I didn't touch the book for two months. To this day I have no idea where I was going with it, but had to entirely change what I wrote to fit my new plotlines....

Sometimes I got so sick of it I just wanted to quit. Not the book

Writing.

For good.

But I couldn't.

The more I would try to ignore it, the more my desire to write would spring up in me.

And so I would.

Did...

And today we are here.

Book #1 Completed and Copyrighted.

Sent to two beta readers. Two more on the platform. One down.


I look around at it all and I sometimes wonder. What if I had given up? What if I had stopped, decided it was too much work, not worth it after all, and who cares?

What if I had never decided to write?

The idea scares me.

And I am so thankful to God for giving me that tiny-winy idea and growing it into a massive life purpose.

Who knows what I would be now if not a writer?!

So, don't give up. On whatever your idea is. It could be singing, photography, dancing, acting, being a mum, WRITING, teaching, or driving a mail car over the countryside. Pursue it. Keep your ambition high. Don't forget.

Every big idea started with a little one.

:D

When Time Flies

Do you ever catch yourself thinking, just where did that day go? Or maybe tried to figure out how the time zoomed past so quickly?

Or perhaps you just wonder how it escaped you that May is over and June has begun...

It seems like the more I try to capture each moment, the more they slip away from me. Time crawls. And disappears.



I seem to be soul searching more and more these days. And the more I learn, the more I examine my heart. The more I fail, the more I seek answers.

Have you ever been surrounded by laughing friends and felt alone?
Have you ever been touched by a sunset and felt like crying?
Have you ever stared into the eyes of someone you loved and know they didn't love you back?
Have you ever woken to singing birds and known that the only option was to pretend to smile?
Have you ever been trapped in your own disgust?
Have you ever thought there was no way out?


I learned something this week.

I learned that I hate myself.

Every part of me.

I know the ugliness of my own heart. I know the jagged edges and bitter tastes. I know the anger and jealousy. I know the blackness deep in my soul.

I admit them. I am human. Bare. Brittle. Bound to failure. {Romans 11:32}

Raw emotion cannot be erased. Shattered hearts cannot be remade.

I also realized that I expect myself to be perfect. I hold myself to a standard so high, the bar cannot be seen.... And it rips me apart, because I always fail and will always fail.


So I made a few decisions.

 

 

First of all, I am going to stop hating myself.

God made me just the way I am. He likes me. He LOVES me. He wants me to be this way. I cannot be perfect and I should not expect perfection. I have been washed in the blood of Christ and before God I am a pure lamb. I am free of guilt and shame and mistakes.

I am going to appreciate the things He has made. And I am one of them.

Second, I am going to live like no one is watching. How many times have I admitted to you that I am a people pleaser?

I think I have finally snapped the chord. God and God alone matters now. I am exhausted. I am broken. And it is all my own fault. I try so hard to please people I don't even need to. I do things I don't like just to make them happy. I pretend to not care when I care very much.

This time, it is not something that I have decided. God actually showed me how ridiculous I was. He showed me all the things I was doing to get other people's attention. He showed me how silly I was. If someone wants to be with me...they will be. They will choose me. It is not hard for me to give love back to someone. If they try...I WILL love them back. It is my nature. But from now on, I am not going to chase empty smiles. I know who loves me and who does not by what they say and do. It is no mystery. And I know that the friends that really love me are going to be my real friends and I am going to stop chasing fruitless friendships. I am going to do what I love. I am going to do what God asks of me and stop ignoring the small voice whispering in my thoughts for the desires of my own heart.

It is time.

Time to be a voice, not an echo.



 

 

Sometimes, you can't explain some love. Sometimes, it goes deeper than your head. It springs from your heart.

 

I am going to give this love to God. Let Him control it. Let Him move it. Let Him guide it.

 

And wait for Him to lead down the path it takes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hadn't intended to baer my heart tonight. It just sort of happened. I guess I am learning to stop hiding. I hid for years, in fear. And I am beginning to learn that some things are meant to be shared. So that we can learn from each other. We have to be vulnerable to rejection to be open to acceptance.

 

 

 

 

This has my song the last few weeks:

 

 

 

 

Reading

I am a super fast reader. I can down a 300 or 400 page book in a day. It’s not skim read or portioned. I can get it all and form my honest opinion on it.

But no. For the girl that reads as much as she breathes, this post is not about a book.

It is about people.

I am horrible at reading people. I love people. More than I can even say. There is a part of me that comes alive when I am around them, particularly people who are alive with life, vibrant, beautiful, full of personality, and in love with God. I enjoy being around them, listening to them, laughing with them, crying with them… 

 

 

 

But I do a horrible job at forming judgment about people. I cannot understand what they want. I do not get what they are feeling. I feel caught, trapped, in a world of my own, separated from all that they are.

I have always lived with a rosy view of the world. Everything is happy, not because it is perfect, but because I have decided to look at it with delight in my eyes.

I had a very painful childhood. Something happened to me that I have opened up to few people about that shaped who I am. It forms me more than anything else.  

But it taught me one thing more than anything else.

To look at life with the decision in my heart to be happy.

Happiness is not something that happens. It is something you choose.

Because of that, I fail to understand a lot of the way people feel, because I have trained myself to smile even when I am in pain. I have made the decision to laugh even when I want to cry. I told myself to ignore the rejection even when I wanted to shout at the world.

I put my rose-colored glasses on and only looked at the good.

Sometimes, that is a good thing!! I get to see people in a light that most others do not. I enjoy their good points without finding their flaws. I can relish the joy they bring me without dwelling on the pain I get too.

And other times it is bad. 

When I don’t understand them. When I cannot get what they are feeling. Because those feelings are alien to me. I am not washed with uncontrollable emotion. About anything. Except utter joy.

I do not understand what they mean when they say certain things and do certain stuff… I am confused, bewildered, caught with my mouth open with nothing to say…



I am not sure if I can learn this art. I have tried. I have studied people, tried to anticipate what they are feeling, how they will react, what they want, why they said that, where they are going with that. What are they thinking right now? What's in their head? What are their motivations for doing that?

I wish I knew.

But I don’t. I can’t. I am stuck with my glasses on and the rims hold back full vision.



Afraid but Content

Today is the last day of April.

April has been a good month for me. I have grown in ways I cannot express. I have had nights where I was up until midnight on my knees, pouring my heart out to God. I have had days overflowing with joy and crazy love and happiness. I have had great talks with great friends about great things!! But mostly, I have had peace.

Peace amid the storm.

Crazy, right?

I don't think so.

See, my life is kind of at a turning point. In several ways.



First of all, my book is almost ready to send to a publisher. I mean, like days away. The last few steps are creeping up on me and will be done before I can blink an eye. Or two, for that matter.

Second, God has been doing some scary stuff in my life. Opening doors I never thought would open, bringing people into my life I never thought would come, changing things I never thought would change... In short, He is flipping me upside down, shaking me till my pockets empty, and setting me back up again. It's good to be rid of the baggage and trust Him with everything...but I am scared to death. He is Mighty and He is doing Miracles... in my life. Yikes. With God, anything can happen. And that is almost as scary as it is wonderful.



But it is more wonderful.

And that is why I have peace. Though all this crazy, awesome, terrifying stuff is happening to me, I know He is in control and knows what He is doing and that every little detail that He has worked out {and let me tell you, He has worked out some pretty masterful ones} are for a specific plan. Thank goodness. Otherwise I think I would go crazy.

Naw, pretty sure I am crazy. But that is beside the point.

I think.

Actually, I can't remember the point.

:{

:P

~_* {my favorite winking guy, as always}

Anyway, I am super excited to see what May holds for me. Each new day is the start of a glorious adventure and I can't wait to get into them. Life is exciting, eh?!!?!!? Exhilarating.... that is my word. It has a funny story behind it. But it is my word and it will always be my word.

I am exhilarated.

<3

 



Journey

 

 

I pick up my pencil and stare at the blank page of notebook paper. There is so much to write, but I cannot find the words. A deep blue sky hovers over me, warm breezes tickle my skin, and I glance around from my perch in the old oak tree. For a moment I let the moment just suck me in, pull me apart, and fill me with wonder. Then I turn my notebook over and flip through the pages scrawled with smudged lead. One page is illegible, stained with tears. Another is half torn where I ripped out the writing I could not bear to erase or keep. This is my journey. A sigh expands my chest and I try to catch it and stuff it back. It won’t let me. When it escapes, a part of me does too. This notebook, this story…this is me. It stares back at me, reminding me of all the days I spent alone. I set my jaw and flip the notebook over again, smooth out the clean, fresh page, and lift my pencil. Today is different. Today is sweet and beautiful. The only tears I could shed are those of joy. I want to write something new. Words slide through my mind and I scrawl against the ledger lines, watch the swirls and curls of my letters form against the indigo line.

 

For so many years I was alone. I felt abandoned, forgotten, and helpless to stop it.

What could I do in the face of such hopelessness? There was no escape.

I was trapped and no one was there to sever my chains.

 

I don’t want it to start so sad. But it has to. How can you explain the depth of joy when you cannot feel the cavernous pain? But I know where it is going. I look up and watch the sun break from behind a puffy cloud. Sparkling rays dance on the paper, on the green leaves, through the shimmering air, over the rustling prairie grass. Memories flood me.

I held my heart in my own hand. It was broken, crushed by an aged care, and I was too afraid to let it go, too afraid it could never be fixed. I could not do it.

When I clutched it, I could control my heart. I was bound to it and the rulings it kept and needed. But no one could have it. And no one could fix it.

Weary time crept by and sharp edges wore down.

Fear filled me. Fear that I would never be made whole. Fear of letting go to be healed.

As the days passed, I began to see there was more out there than loss. There was more than brokenness and despair.

A Healer was knocking at my door, if only I would let Him in and listen to His words.

I fought the urge to let go, to give up the grip on my heart to Him. I wanted the control, to feel safe in my own power.

But I had no strength. I had nothing.

 

Tears sting my eyes when I think of the days I wasted, longing for something I already had. How long was He knocking and I didn’t hear Him? Why did I never see it was there all along? Thankfulness for Him fills me. An unconscious smile creeps up on my lips and a sweet sensation fills my belly. Now to write the best part of all!

I didn’t know how to answer to His call. I couldn’t tell what I wanted. Freedom was the only light that shone in my eyes, but it was so very distant.

Slowly, so very slowly, I loosed my fingers and reached toward it. I let Him take my hand and lead me away from my shattered heart.

I limped at first, but He held me up, half carrying me. The more steps I took, the easier it became to walk.

The light filled me with renewed strength. I began to run, to bathe in the splendor of it.

And suddenly, I realized I was no longer in any darkness. There was no heaviness weighing me down and no pain deep in my chest.

His hands left mine, just for a moment, just to lift something up to me.

Something beautiful, untouched, whole. A new heart.

Love cascaded over me. I felt new life filling me, giving me hope of a purpose and a future. There was no shame left, no guilt, and no pain.

Tears run down my cheeks. I wipe them away, afraid they will mar this page like the one from long ago. I don’t want it to be ruined. It is to be treasured and kept forever, a keepsake, to remind me of all the things He has done for me. I can’t forget.

 

A friend found me. She was sweet, wonderful; her words were full of love and beauty. She spoke of Him, and of glory and goodness.

And she loved me. For me, who I am and what I am.

She didn’t run away from the things deep inside of me. She cherished them.

 

I could spend pages writing about my friend. About how she renewed me each day with her smile and acceptance.  I could write about the others, friends who call me by name and seek me because they want me. There is so much goodness to write about, blessings from Him. I lean back into the trunk of the oak tree and feel its rough bark scrape against my skin. The wind blows my hair across my face so I tuck it behind my ears. How can I write the next part? My heart sings with joy when I think of how He rescued me, how He brought me back from death. Can I ever put it into words? Looking out across the golden fields, into the tree-studded horizon, at the clumps of forest, I see the beauty of the world and wonder why I never noticed before.

Awakening from the darkness let me see how blinded I was to the light that had been shining for me all along. I was never alone. Never left behind.

He was always standing there, ready to show me His power and love. He was just waiting for me to want Him. He wanted me to need Him.

It is only when you need rescuing that the knight is suddenly wearing shining armor.

And now? Now I can stand tall. I have love at my side. Joy in my heart. Peace with my soul.

I am glad to be alive. It will be a journey.

 I am here to live it.

 

I let my pencil fall to the page. It is not perfect. It never will be. Maybe through the years I will tweak it and change it. I will learn new lessons and understand old ones better. Perhaps I’ll even find a better spot to write. But for now, I am content. I drop out of the tree to the grass below. My bare toes sink into the soft ground, relishing the freedom. Throwing my head up to the sky, I close my eyes and let the wind whisper across my face. Warmth from the sun flows through me. Yes, it is good to be alive.

© Pure Grace

 

 

I entered this is a writing contest early this month. Yesterday, I found out I received 3rd place in the 1st category!!!!!

 

Let me know what you guys think of it!! I'd be so glad to hear your thoughts. :D

 

 

Life is Good

*Warning, picture overload.

It's been a busy last couple of weeks. I'm going to top them for you by way of photo's. Enjoy! :D

 

 

{She is not allowed past the line and it makes her sad when the rest of us are.}

 

 

 

 

{My sisters and I....}

 

 

 

 

{This is a present Brisa gave me on Wednesday. Little purple flowers. :D} 

 

 

 

 

 

{She's soooo cute!!!}

 

 

 

 

{Friday we played volleyball after choir and orchestra. This is my friend Lydia!!! She's so pretty!}

 

 

 

 

{Me, in the purple, Brisa, in the grey, Abrienne, in the yellow, Lydia next to her, Joe is the redhead, and Jessica's on the other side of the net.}

 

 

 

 

{Ahem....the epic moment of the day. I got flattened [yes, I am down there]... But we got the point, so it was so worth it! ;)}

 

 

 

 

{What is a picture without a little fun? ~_*}

 

 

 

 

 

{Saturday was one of my good friend's high school Graduation. I didn't get there till much later, after a crazy day of work, but arrived just on time to play volleyball! And a note. See that colorful bracelet on my elbow? I always wear that. Always.} [People: Brisa has the ball, Philip in yellow next to her. He is Lydia's brother. Micah jumping, me next to him, Liz in the blue, and Brenden in back.]

 

 

 

 

{We played speed v-ball. There were four teams. If you've ever played before, you know it is crazy, and awesome. This is my team. We were pretty awesome. We won. :D} [My team: Micah, me, Emily (Liz took her place for one play when she had to leave for a sec), Julia, in the middle, Brenden with the crazy shirt, and Heather, who you can't see in this pic.]

 

 

 

{Before we picked teams, just hanging out and talking. Heather is the other girl in purple next to Brenden. And that is my little brother running in front. He's rather cute. ;)}

 

 

 

 

{Micah and I trying to arrange the team. Again, that is Keaton. :D}

 

 

 

 

 

 

{This is my favorite picture!!! It is sooooo funny! Micah and Julia are hilarious! You can hardly see it in this because it is so small.... I just can't look at it without bursting out laughing.}

 

 

 

 

{Yesterday, I found this pretty thing out in the forest.}

 

 

 

 

{God gave this to me yesterday too, while I was working. It just reminds me of His goodness.}

 

 

I hope you are all praying for the Boston marathon runners right now. It just breaks my heart that someone would do such a thing to others. Can't put my feelings into words....Just terrible. But I know that God is in control and has a reason for everything under the sun. Somehow, somewhere. And that is such an encouraging thing to know.

 

Well, it is so long for now, everyone. Hope you enjoyed my last few days, and I will hopefully be getting a proper post up sometime here. :D

 

<3

 

CKC