sometimes life goes crazy

Phew.... there are times when everything around you just seems like a whirlwind.

The last few weeks of May was one of those times. It was fantastic.

We had one of our amazing v-ball parties.



We had a TON of people out, but these kiddo's stuck around for most of it.

Kaylea, me, Keaton, Micah, Greg, Pickle {my pup}, Joe, Abrienne, Lydia, Becca, Brisa, Heather

After a few more peeps left, just Joe, Micah, Lydia, and Becca stayed for the campfire.

 

 

 

Sorry all these pics are so blurry. My iphone hates the dark... :P

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eating marshmallows and chilling....

 

 

 

 

Being a goof... :P ~_*

That Saturday, one of my friends got married!!!! It was one of the most beautiful wedding I have ever been to.

 Joe and Pippa. Again, it was dark inside, so the camera took terrible pics... :'(



 

 

My sister Brisa and friend Elizabeth

 

 

Ashton and I

 

 

Joanna and I



Then on Tuesday, I went to visit Noni!!! I had so much fun chatting with her and playing with her little nephew, Asa.

{Picture coming. ~_*} 

Thursday I went to SDC {Silver Dollar City} with a huge group of AWESOME friends!!! Here are some pics from that {taken by one of my friends, Lacey}.

Duncan, my AMAZING friend Grace, and me, on the new roller coaster, Outlaw Run...

 

 

This bluegrass band was really good!!!

 

 

Duncan, me, Grace, and Daniel in line for Powder Keg {another roller coaster}

 

 

Becca and I

 

 

Another one of my best friends, Lydia, and her brother, Philip. Becca is almost their sister

 

 

The WHOLE group. {Back row to front}

Hannah, Jerusha, Leah, me, Becca, Lydia, Jonnah, Lacey, Noni, Rachel, Ariel, Emilee, Sydney

Micah B, Joe, Micah M, Nate, Shannon, Philip, John, Nathanael, Thayne, Daniel P, Daniel B, Samuel

Ethan, Benjamin, Timmy

 

 

Then, like topping on the cake, Saturday was my awesome friend Rachel's graduation!!!!

 

 

 

 

{Pictures from her blog post HERE}

 

I played with this little guy, Rachel's youngest sibling, most of the day. He is a goof!!! :D I did not edit those eyes...they just...came out that way. LOL. It's rather perfect.





Then I did this with my sisters, just for fun...

 

 

 

Took this amazing pic of the sunset on the way home from that little excursion...



Took this at work...

 

 

 



 

Rootbeer float.... YUM.



And yesterday, I took my sister out as a thank you for finishing the last few days of my forest work with me. We picked up our mutual good friend Lydia and hung out pretty much all day... :D

Yesterday was National Donut Day.... MmmMmmm.....

 

 

 

 

 

 



We went and saw the new animated movie, Epic. It was loads of fun!!!!!!


Today, my voice student has a recital. I will be playing piano for her... :P

After that, I am heading to some friends house to hang out and play vball, and then we usually start a bon fire, pray, and sing. It is epic.

 

 

 

 

 





When Time Flies

Do you ever catch yourself thinking, just where did that day go? Or maybe tried to figure out how the time zoomed past so quickly?

Or perhaps you just wonder how it escaped you that May is over and June has begun...

It seems like the more I try to capture each moment, the more they slip away from me. Time crawls. And disappears.



I seem to be soul searching more and more these days. And the more I learn, the more I examine my heart. The more I fail, the more I seek answers.

Have you ever been surrounded by laughing friends and felt alone?
Have you ever been touched by a sunset and felt like crying?
Have you ever stared into the eyes of someone you loved and know they didn't love you back?
Have you ever woken to singing birds and known that the only option was to pretend to smile?
Have you ever been trapped in your own disgust?
Have you ever thought there was no way out?


I learned something this week.

I learned that I hate myself.

Every part of me.

I know the ugliness of my own heart. I know the jagged edges and bitter tastes. I know the anger and jealousy. I know the blackness deep in my soul.

I admit them. I am human. Bare. Brittle. Bound to failure. {Romans 11:32}

Raw emotion cannot be erased. Shattered hearts cannot be remade.

I also realized that I expect myself to be perfect. I hold myself to a standard so high, the bar cannot be seen.... And it rips me apart, because I always fail and will always fail.


So I made a few decisions.

 

 

First of all, I am going to stop hating myself.

God made me just the way I am. He likes me. He LOVES me. He wants me to be this way. I cannot be perfect and I should not expect perfection. I have been washed in the blood of Christ and before God I am a pure lamb. I am free of guilt and shame and mistakes.

I am going to appreciate the things He has made. And I am one of them.

Second, I am going to live like no one is watching. How many times have I admitted to you that I am a people pleaser?

I think I have finally snapped the chord. God and God alone matters now. I am exhausted. I am broken. And it is all my own fault. I try so hard to please people I don't even need to. I do things I don't like just to make them happy. I pretend to not care when I care very much.

This time, it is not something that I have decided. God actually showed me how ridiculous I was. He showed me all the things I was doing to get other people's attention. He showed me how silly I was. If someone wants to be with me...they will be. They will choose me. It is not hard for me to give love back to someone. If they try...I WILL love them back. It is my nature. But from now on, I am not going to chase empty smiles. I know who loves me and who does not by what they say and do. It is no mystery. And I know that the friends that really love me are going to be my real friends and I am going to stop chasing fruitless friendships. I am going to do what I love. I am going to do what God asks of me and stop ignoring the small voice whispering in my thoughts for the desires of my own heart.

It is time.

Time to be a voice, not an echo.



 

 

Sometimes, you can't explain some love. Sometimes, it goes deeper than your head. It springs from your heart.

 

I am going to give this love to God. Let Him control it. Let Him move it. Let Him guide it.

 

And wait for Him to lead down the path it takes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hadn't intended to baer my heart tonight. It just sort of happened. I guess I am learning to stop hiding. I hid for years, in fear. And I am beginning to learn that some things are meant to be shared. So that we can learn from each other. We have to be vulnerable to rejection to be open to acceptance.

 

 

 

 

This has my song the last few weeks:

 

 

 

 

Day 6, Photo 6

I am going to be quick, it is late, been a long fantastical day, and I will be joining my family to watch a movie.


Here is photo 6: sunshine. be creative. portray it in a new light. {yes, that was a pun.} find something cool.

Once again, I decided to do something atypical. ;) And my iphone added the effect of being weird and creating an epic picture all by itself.


So I give you, the moon. Which is totally sunlight, being reflected off the surface of the moon. :D



{Rather cool, eh? I think so.}


Anyway, I'll get to everyone's comments tomorrow, hopefully, and write a proper post about my epic day today!! :D

Reading

I am a super fast reader. I can down a 300 or 400 page book in a day. It’s not skim read or portioned. I can get it all and form my honest opinion on it.

But no. For the girl that reads as much as she breathes, this post is not about a book.

It is about people.

I am horrible at reading people. I love people. More than I can even say. There is a part of me that comes alive when I am around them, particularly people who are alive with life, vibrant, beautiful, full of personality, and in love with God. I enjoy being around them, listening to them, laughing with them, crying with them… 

 

 

 

But I do a horrible job at forming judgment about people. I cannot understand what they want. I do not get what they are feeling. I feel caught, trapped, in a world of my own, separated from all that they are.

I have always lived with a rosy view of the world. Everything is happy, not because it is perfect, but because I have decided to look at it with delight in my eyes.

I had a very painful childhood. Something happened to me that I have opened up to few people about that shaped who I am. It forms me more than anything else.  

But it taught me one thing more than anything else.

To look at life with the decision in my heart to be happy.

Happiness is not something that happens. It is something you choose.

Because of that, I fail to understand a lot of the way people feel, because I have trained myself to smile even when I am in pain. I have made the decision to laugh even when I want to cry. I told myself to ignore the rejection even when I wanted to shout at the world.

I put my rose-colored glasses on and only looked at the good.

Sometimes, that is a good thing!! I get to see people in a light that most others do not. I enjoy their good points without finding their flaws. I can relish the joy they bring me without dwelling on the pain I get too.

And other times it is bad. 

When I don’t understand them. When I cannot get what they are feeling. Because those feelings are alien to me. I am not washed with uncontrollable emotion. About anything. Except utter joy.

I do not understand what they mean when they say certain things and do certain stuff… I am confused, bewildered, caught with my mouth open with nothing to say…



I am not sure if I can learn this art. I have tried. I have studied people, tried to anticipate what they are feeling, how they will react, what they want, why they said that, where they are going with that. What are they thinking right now? What's in their head? What are their motivations for doing that?

I wish I knew.

But I don’t. I can’t. I am stuck with my glasses on and the rims hold back full vision.



I am Divergent

I was finally brave.

I borrowed the book. A book that, like The Hunger Games, is rather...controversial.

I have come to several conclusions.

First of all, I really need to form all opinions based upon my own research and collected information, not upon other peoples...opinions.

Second, I need to read more dystopian fantasy.

Divergent.

I read it because so many people were talking about it. Some said it was good. Others said it was bad. I sat in the middle and watched from the fence, like usual. {I find myself on that fence a lot, actually.}

The story is about a girl who lives in a word divided by factions. You live in your faction, you breath your faction, you are your faction.

Unless you are...Divergent.

Divergence is when you have mixed desires. You can be anything. You are not easily understood...or controlled. Because you have a mind of your own, a mind that can wander between many things. You are not just brave {Dauntless}, you are smart {Erudite}. You are not just selfless {Abnegation}, you are peaceful {Amity}...

You understand.

I'm not going to give you a full rundown of the book. I won't spoil it for you if you haven't read it. If you have, you know all you need to know.

But I have come to the conclusion that I am very Divergent. Different, a little confused, and definitely not what people expect me to be. Sometimes I can be very withdrawn. Sometimes I am excessively outgoing. I am perplexing and I know it.

I don't relish it.

It is me.

But at least I can put my finger on a name now.

From now on, if anyone wants to know what my personality type is...I will tell them Divergent.

Hopefully they will understand.

If not.

LOL.

It will only add to the mystery that is, well...me. ;)



Day 5, Photo 5

Some days you just want to sit around and do nothing.

I haven't had one of those days in literal months.

A day with no expectations, nobody asking you to do anything, nothing planned....

It would be nice.

And then I look around at all the fantastical things that have been going on in my life and I realize how much of a blessing it is that I get to be a part of this crazy life!!

Yesterday we {my Mum, little bro Keaton, sis Abrienne and I} went to a friend's college graduation party. We went after church, but we had time to spare, so we went to park beforehand to swing!

I LOVE swinging. Call me a child. I don't care. I am addicted to swings.



Keaton and I had a complete blast swinging while NN painted her nails and Mum watched. We sang our own reenditionings of "Singing on the Swing", "Food, Glorious Food", and several others. ;) There was a huge group of people having a party at the park too, but it was so much fun I couldn't help myself, so I laughed, and sang anyways. ~_*

Right before we left, I asked Mum to take a picture of Keaton, NN, and I. They are my two youngest siblings.

My two favorite blondes in the whole wide world.

 

 

Thadden, me, Brisa, Abrienne

 

This is the result of a very pleasant walk with Thadden, Brisa, and Abrienne a while back. :D

 

 

 

 

And before I go, here is MY picture 5. happiness in a jar. This is mint tea, the best beverage in the whole wide world. :D :D