Sunday, March 10, 2013

Dancing in the Rain...

Such a downpour we had today... It was wondrous.

I used to dislike the rain. We come from Oregon, where a good 7 months of the year is taken up with clouds and rain and deary skies. Everything is sad and droopy, and very, very wet.

But today I have a new appreciation of the rain. Or perhaps a renewed look at it.

Rain can be beautiful. It calls out a brilliance in things that is not to be found in the bleaching sunshine. It adds dazzling sparkles to otherwise faded leaves. It ripples a friendless pond with tenderness and fun. It slides down a window pain, adding a new dimension to life. You see things as you have never seen them before.

On that note, I have been making some discoveries. Some good, some bad.

I am not so good with putting words together with my tongue. When I speak, everything comes out all a jumble. I say things I do not mean or do not even yet understand myself and feel so foolish. I put words together that don't fit and use phrases in ways that the world does not...and forget that it means somethings so different than I intended.

Just Friday night I laughingly said I was eating Starbursts to get sugar in my blood. I meant I needed energy. I was worn out. It had been a long day. But that is not what that phrase means in this society...and I stuck my foot in my mouth. Again.

Oh, how many times can I think of that I have said what I should not or did not mean to. How many things have flown out of my mouth that were not what I wanted. Or intended. I am not good with words. I feel like Minnie in Lark Rise to Candleford. Always saying the wrong things... In my mind I can meld them together and speak them so eloquently. But when I am standing before a person, it comes down to one thing and I have finally discovered what it is.

It is this deep nervousness that bubbles up inside me, as if what I am about to say does not matter to the person I am saying it to. It goes back to that fear of people which I have spoken of before. Or rather, I called it my desire to be a "people pleaser". In reality, it is this. A fear of  people. Of what they feel. Of what they will say. Of what they care about. Of whether or not they

I need people. I want people to approve of me. And so I speak in haste, as if to assure myself that what I say does mean something. As if the faster I can pour out my words the more value they have.

What stupidity!

I have come to the decision to stop. I have always enjoyed "speaking". I am not a chatterer. But I have a sprightly personality and I enjoy laughing and talking together with friends. I can hold a conversation with a shy person. And I can listen to a chatterbox.

Still, I am always afraid. That my words are forgotten. Unheard. Unwanted. And so I speak, so quickly, so urgently.

And my words...they mean nothing. They are thoughtless. They are hasty. Oh, how I regret them the moment they have flown!

So I have come to a new impasse, a new moment in life. A new change.

I am going to try to stop. I am going try to think. I am going try to wait. Wait for that moment when I know my words are needed, know they are useful, appreciated. Not only to others. But for myself. I am tired of always feeling a fool for what I have said. What I have muddled up. Because I am talking too fast. I am going to slow down. Listen. And speak when it is time...

I hate frivolous conversations. I hate talking about nothing, about things that don't matter. I hate feeling awkward when everyone is talking about things I don't understand {which is a lot} or laughing about things I don't care about.

I am strange. I admit it. There are a lot of things modern teenagers find so glorious that I could care less about. I am not huge into pop music or most "modern" music. In fact, I have heard very little of it. I do not know actors or actresses and don't "fangirl" anything. I don't rave over cloths or fashion or styles. I have watched very few movies, even popular ones. Or if I've seen would be, oh, when I was ten or so...and I can't remember them.

I don't hate these things. I don't hate people that like {or even love} these things. But I can't share in their excitement and wonder. I can't share their conversations. It is embarrassing. And I feel so left out. So...stupid. Or strange.

I know that is not true. But it is a little true. {Er, the strange part, at least. My ACT score would argue the stupid part. ~_*} I DON'T care for these things. And who doesn't?

I don't know any other girl like this. In fact, sometimes I feel much more like a boy than a girl. I am a Daddy's girl through and through. There are reasons for that, reasons that are hard to admit, that hurt. But they have shaped me into who I am.

And who I am is not something I am afraid of. I like what I am. I like not going crazy over cute boys. I like not not caring if I tear my shirt or grass-stain my jeans or mess my hair. I like not being overly emotional.

It is a decision I have made. But so few people understand it. So few people know it. So few people want to.

Yes, I am different. And people don't know what to make of it. Or me.

And my mixed up tongue only proves to them that there is nothing but bizarre thoughts in my head. I don't make any sense. To anyone. How could anyone make sense of me? Why would anyone want to? I don't know.

But perhaps that is not for me to figure out. What I am is what I want to be. What I am.


  1. Well just so ya know, i LOOVE Minnie. <3 She's always gonna be my favorite from that show, she's so adorable and genuine. And so are you. <3
    I'll be praying for you, deary! I think its wonderful that you're the way you are. ^_^

    1. Haha! She is the best, isn't she! Makes me laugh so hard.
      Thank you, sooooooooooo much, girlie! It means so much! Thank you!!!! xD <3 <3

  2. Mixed up tongue? Easy solution. Never speak (like me. Works wonders).

    I'm KIDDING.

    Hay, this was a really sweet post. I mean you alluded to a whole heap of stuff I don't get, but it was really special and sweet! Some people (who are we kidding? MOST people) don't get me either. I'm too shy. (And violent. Apparently people are surprised at what I write after they've known me for a while.) I hope you always be YOU. And never anyone else. You are the best.

    1. Hahaha! You're awesome, Cait. Of course, that would solve all dilemma's, wouldn't it! ;)

      Hehe, yeah... lol. Yes, you are definitely violent. ;) But I don't mind. Too much. {Ok, if you are going to drag it out of me....ahem.... at all...}.

      Thank you. I hope so too. ;) You're such a sweetie!!!! *big grin*

  3. I know your feels, my friend. My tongue wanders all over the place, and heck knows I'm more than the proverbial fruit loop swimming in the cheerios bowl.

    That said, though, needing people to like you is never a bad thing. The trick is to combine it with being yourself. Just be you, and you'll find ways that parts of your you-ness can integrate, and help, other people in a way that couldn't happen if you weren't, well, you.

    We are as we are becaue a certain someone thought we ought to be that way. It just takes a little longer for US to work out how why.

    1. LOL! I like that.... "fruit loop swimming in the cheerios bowl". That's awesome.

      I agree.... God made us need people. We just can't be so absorbed in self that our need for them makes us unpleasant. Wow! Thanks, that was well put!

      ;) Yes, I know. I guess I just WANT to know, eh? Patience...girl....patience.... ;)

  4. Hey Darling, I'm sorry. I know what you feel like though! Many a times, my words fail me. Sometimes, I'll have the hardest time thinking of what I'm trying to say and it just doesn't come out right. And i feel like people are watching and judging. And its irksome because I'm so good with writing. Writing you have the time to piece everything together and compose a perfect sentence. But thats not always the case with talking. But want to know something I'm starting to find out? People don't really care. They don't dwell on how well a conversation goes. Or if you messed up a phrase. Some, not all, are too self centered. Others, just really don't invest their time in critisizing people. Others, know exactly how you feel. And the small percentage of people who could use your shyness as a tool to be mena to you, they aren't worth your time anyways and are mean people. Because shyness, isn't a bad thing. And its okay to not get everything out 100% right. In fact, I thought "eating Starbursts to get sugar in my blood" was a cute and orginal way to sya you needed energy. Thats what makes you, you and set apart from other people. And thats good. Because its terribly boring to say you need energy. Its 100 X better to say that you eat starbursts to get sugar into your bloodstream.

    Lastly, noone will ever get anyone. We will to some extent. Like I got what you're saying in this post. But every little detail and thought process you have? I won't ever get. And nobody will fully get. But the same applies to me. And your best friend. And the average joe across the street. lol The only one who gets us completely is our God and Savior Jesus Christ, and to me, that's okay. Cause He's the only one who's opinion matters the most, and who I need to understand me. :)

    I'll be praying for you!!! I hope you have a lovely week with your chin up and all!

    1. First of all, wow, thanks for that awesome comment! It was amazing!!! Yes, it is so easy to write. Words just flow out of me. In fact, even my thoughts are organized and poetic {well, maybe not poetic, just put together ;)}. But what you said about people not usually minding....was really helpful! Thanks. I never thought of it that way. I always thought they were frustrated with me for not getting out what I was trying to say or not making sense at all...

      Yes. You are entirely correct. I don't think we are supposed to. But yes, thank goodness for Jesus!!!!! It is so wonderful having Him as friend and confidant and knowing He gets EVERYTHING.

      THANK YOU so much!! I appreciate it tons! Oh yes, always. ;) <3

  5. I do the same thing with saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. It's awkward and embarrassing, isn't it?! I am a lot like you in the way of "I want to please people and I care what they think." which... when you come to think of it, is silly. Sigh. Oh well. I shall be silly.

    (the starbursts to get sugar in your bloodstream.... I would have thought that was clever. :D)

    Chin up!! God is always there.


    1. Yeah... it is. But I think I am beginning to understand it doesn't matter much. Haha, yes, we can be silly together. ;)

      LOL! Thanks. Hehe....

      Yes He is!!!! And I am soooo grateful! :D

  6. Oh! I so feel for you here in your frustration. I often stumble over my words or just feel awkward and don't know what to say. I used to hate that about myself. It made me feel stupid and just kinda dumb cause I often just had no idea what to say! It's still a struggle sometimes, but I am so much happier and confident in who I am now. It's sort of an insult to God to try to be like everyone else, when you think about it. He made you and I and many others to not be great with words in spoken form, and that's perfect!! I can definitely connect with people more through writing and reading, but a looooooove a good deep conversation too.

    P.S. the starburst comment? I don't get it! Hahaha I would have said that too I think! :P

  7. Ahem. I love Lark Rise to Candleford. And Minnie.
    Not to be a fangirl or anything ;D


I'm sincerely wondering if you are going to comment. Given you just read that blog post (or maybe skim read, at best, or maybe you've just skipped to the bottom). But, either way, whether you read it or not, NOW you have no doubt that I am crazy, are wondering if I am worthy of your time, and if it even matters that you say something. BUT, it does!!! Drop me a line! Can't tell you I will always respond coherently, but I WILL respond! And the comments... Well, they rather make my days. <3